Just to Laugh

Sometimes you just have to laugh, if just to break tension. Sometimes, you have to laugh when you've moved so far along from someone, someone who held you back, someone who made you not want to do anything but just be. And when you move on from them, you start to explore, to experience and grow. And to hear they're still in the same hole that they were in when you left their life? Oh, yes.

Since my last blog post, I have successfully acquired my passport, have taken a cross-Canada plane trip (albeit too many flights in a short period of time had messed up my equilibrium once again, and was having episodes of vertigo), have been tattooed, am taking both cardio and yoga classes and excelling at both, have taken on additional projects at work and am getting praise from all involved.

I am also exploring a loving not-relationship with a wonderful gentleman. Not-relationship, as in, we are taking it very slow. Sometimes "slow" is just what the doctor ordered. We have a lot in common, and I think we have a fundamental understanding of how each other works, especially when coming to making big decisions. Unfortunately, we don't get to spend a lot of time together anymore, but we're making the most of what time we do have. We're both busy people, and times don't cross well, but we're both dedicated to trying to keep this going. We lost each other once before, and are determined not to have it happen again.

Sometimes...you just have to laugh.

Blog Version 2.something

How long has it been since I last posted? I don't know. I tend to forget about blogging every once in a while. I'm also feeling very lucid. The best way to explain it is "twitterpated". I know either man could come across this blog at any point in time and read what I have written. Does that intimidate me? A little bit, I admit that. I am not a very open person. But at the same time, it doesn't take one a hard look at me to see that I have been walking on air for the past week or so. More-so in the last week, I think. This is the feeling I was missing with the ex. This is the feeling that makes me want to move mountains for my current beau. This unquestioning sense of general stupidity (I admit it, but the people I use to ground my emotions are not available) is what I think people strive for. What people move from relationship to relationship in search of.

I admit, I have never felt this way before. Not for the one I thought I loved years ago. Not for any in between. I don't recall it one bit. It's a powerful, terrifying, awesome thing. And I don't know what to do with it.

Passport v2.0

I got one person confirmed to sign to say that I am who I say I am. I seriously would have been in doubt if my neighbour said "no", she's known me since I've been about 7 years old, so... I just need to find one more, hopefully the one I have in mind will sign. I've house/pet-sat for her for a number of years, before I started working (mostly) full time.

I know everyone will be asking "so, where are you going?" While so far, it's nowhere, if things work out, it will eventually be the UK. Back to the original plan of last year, I suppose. Though, this time we're both stuck half and half, he's his passport but not the time off work/school or the funds; I have the funds and time off work, but not the passport. At some point in time, we're going to have to coordinate, this idea is nearly a year in the running.

Passport

I've put off getting my passport for...quite a while. I was always putting it off because I was always getting it FOR SOMEONE else, not for myself. So when that someone would leave my life, it was an excuse for me to not finish with getting it done. I'd just done the same thing with ex, things were getting rocky, so I pushed passport off to the side, despite having nearly all the information and a secured guarantor.

That said, I'm going to actually get on with it. What if I do want to somewhere fancy? What if I need to visit my new interest? Its something everyone should have anyway, so why not? I just need a few bloody signatures.

Wish me luck.

Randomly fascinating, part II.

I have been wished dead by my ex. I admit, this has been the most "explosive" break up I've ever experienced, but nowhere near the longest running, with constant bickering after the fact. Nor did the ex in that case wish me dead. I'm finding it a bit...petty.

Yes. I wanted out of a relationship with him. No, he wasn't the person I thought he was. But, hell, I guess there's someone out there for him, he can move on. I have. I've not wished my exes dead.

Evidently, he has also gotten into another "relationship" - for the record, we've been broken up 4 days.

I fully admit that I have been talking to someone who I'm really interested in, but quite frankly, I'm contented just staying as friends right now, if we move to something more, then great, the attraction is (still) there from when we were talking before, but it's going to take some time, I think. I need some time to just be "me", alone. Build myself back up again.

But maybe that's just me.

So. Blog.

First, I hate the term "blog".

Second, while I typically don't like having everything I think to be posted publicly, I thought I'd make the effort to try something "new", opposed to my private blog. Pondersome, maybe, that I've gone through a pointless break-up this week, which I suppose, people can relate to. It's a ponderment, really, because I don't understand his reasoning, but then again, I didn't really read what he said when he broke it off. I just read "breaking it off with you" and that was enough, to be frank.

I know what happened on my end. I won't post it publicly, should he happen to come across this blog and want to start another fight. I just know that after the last fight we had before the break-up, I didn't feel the same. I was already moving on. Or, rather, moving backwards.

My problem, now, is not that he's not around, it's the vast empty space he's left. It's rather fascinating how much contact we'd had throughout the day. And now that I don't have that, well... I need to fill my time with more useful things. Like, maybe reading. Maybe actually completing my goal of reading 50 books in a year. (This is year 4, and I have only come close the first year of my challenge, missing the mark by 3 books.)

I think Diva Destruction "Survive" is a good song for the moment.

How did I let you, tempt me once again,
How did I get into such a mess with you, your
Greatest secret was my private hell,
But you'll escape once more, as I pay for it all.
I may beg now but later it's you,
I'll forget you in the end,
Cause this won't ever last at all.

I'll survive you
I've survived worse,
So don't flatter yourself too much.

If they only knew,
The other side of you,
You're more guilty than I could ever be
But you always lie better than my thruth
And they only hear, whatever they want to.

I'll survive you
I've survived worse,
So don't flatter yourself too much.